Friday, July 21, 2006

It hurts...It hurts so badly...

It was a rainy late saturday afternoon at the end of march in 1998 when I met him. It was on March 21st to be precise. I had never seen such radiance in anyone before. You know, the type that's actually contagious. He stepped into the SUV we were driving (my cousin and I) as we were headed out of town for a picnic organized by some friends. So we picked him up on our way to the countryside.
I didn't know him but my cousin did. I didn't know we were picking anyone up, so I kinda dozzed off a bit and was awaken by the door slaming shut. I opened my eyes and there he was. Fine as hell. He said hi and we introduced ourselves. Turns out we had the same first name. At the same time my cousin stepped back into the car and we drove off. As we picked more people up on our way, we had to kinda squeeze in and some had to seat on other people's laps. Yeah this is back home so the police really didn't care about such a security breach. Just use your imagination to guess who was seating on whose lap.
Anyways, as the day went on and darkness started to befall some "rubbing" occured of course. Which was to be expected given the circumstances and a few drinks that were being had during the 5 hour trip. Ahem...We finally reached our destination and started installing up our tents and our sound system. This is like around midnight. I think I had had one too many drink and I was still young, 19 to be exact. So I started vomiting. Moments later I hear someone holding me and helping me to get it all out. You know, with little taps on the back and shoulders. A very affectionate and sweet gesture indeed. So I finished up and got cleaned and went to one of the cars to just relax and listen to music.
He joined me just a few minutes later. We started talking and somewhere along the conversation he mentioned his girlfriend. Oh crap, I thought! He took my hand and started asking me if I had a girlfriend. Which I didn't but I lied to him. One thing led to another and the next thing you know we were kissing. To make a long story short, we were inseparable that week end and the days to follow. We'd talk on the phone for hours and my mom would barge in on me and yell at me since she was the one paying the bill. I actually believe she knew as she once smiled and shook her head after I asked her for money to get some medication for him as he had come down with a cold. She did give me the money. At that time I was getting ready to move to Canada and I had never felt helpless and desperate at the same time. So the day eventually came, June 28 of 1998. I almost missed my plane saying my tearfull adios to him on the phone. I don't think I would have handled seeing him in person. So off I went and that was the beginning of the end of a fairy tale. I knew then that there was nothing wrong with me since that love for me felt pure and natural. Nothing toxic about it, it seemed. We stayed in touch via letters and e-mails but the distance eventually got the best of a beautiful thing. He stopped writing and I kept writing and I guess he eventually heard of my coming out and simply switched gears. He would send a "hi" via one of my sisters, as they were in regular contact but never directly to me. He eventually came to Canada as well and went to live with his friends out west. Then the strangest thing happened.
As if I hadn't suffered enough, fate had me move as well to that part of the country, where I'm residing right now. I never would have thought that I would be feeling this way since I was 178% sure I was over him, done and begone. But no, seeing him last night brought back everything I had burried long ago. The same amazing smile, the same affectionate look that he gives you as if you mean the world to him, the same sweet scent that has been locked in my brains all these years. I was mad, angry and terrified. I always thought I was less vulnerable than that. I know, that was my ego doing its job.There was a time when I would have given up everything just to be with him and I prayed time and again for a chance to be with him again. And now I believe more than ever in the words of India Arie when she said " what you ask for, coz you might receive..." . Taken from Ready for love.